Childhood Bedroom by Noelle Thomas

I fall asleep in my childhood bedroom 

and wonder when I first felt joy. 

The bookshelves are overflowing 

with knick-knacks and trinkets. 

I have a bulletin board on my closet door 

with tacked-up running bibs, medals, and postcards 

Two more boards are filled with pins from travels. 

I turn 27 this week–I’ve almost been an adult for a decade. 

My walls used to be empty. 

I didn’t put up my first poster until high school. 

My ceiling used to be devoid of the glow-in-the-dark stars 

that are now affixed in the pattern of constellations. 

I was depressed as a teen and 

I’m still depressed now, 

but depression doesn’t mean there aren’t 

pockets of goodness. 

I’ve grown into myself as I’ve grown up. 

I’m more skeptical of the outside world, 

still anxious, 

but perhaps more sure of myself. 

Being sure doesn’t make me certain; 

if anything, perhaps it makes me less so. 

I am certain enough to say 

I don’t know things. 

I was a know-it-all kind of child, 

but not in an obnoxious way. 

I knew-it-all about animals and would happily talk 

about my desire to be a vet when I grew up. 

I’ve grown now. Maybe not up, 

but definitely a lateral move. 

I still have childish desires, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. 

After all, my childhood lives within me. 

In the past few years, I’ve found myself 

returning to books I enjoyed in childhood 

and even new books that didn’t exist 

when I was younger. 

I’ve revisited the Warriors cats books 

and reflected on how the protagonist was an orange cat 

and now I have my own little Firestar. 

I’ve reread the dystopia books 

that were so popular around 2012. 

Suzanne Collins is publishing 

a new Hunger Games book this year, 2025. 

I didn’t read the Chronicles of Narnia 

until I went away to college, 

even though my mom and sister used to read them 

together at night when the two of us were young. 

Night is still scary, but it also brings peace. 

I no longer have a barricade of stuffed animals 

on my bed to fight against the monsters, 

but I have the notes app on my phone. 

Over 600 entries 

from the past few years. 

Grocery lists, appointment notes, reminders, 

sermon notes, poem scraps. 

I published my first poem in high school. 

After that, I didn’t write poetry 

for years. I tried writing a novel in college… 

that manuscript still lives in my drafts. 

I pour myself into my characters, 

but perhaps I should pour myself into me. 

I shouldn’t have to hide who I am or who I’m becoming 

and who that is, I guess we’ll wait and see. 

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Noelle Thomas (she/her) is a queer, disabled creator from the greater Philadelphia area.  She enjoys space (both outer and personal), reading, and drinking tea.  Noelle can most likely be found at home with her cat or at the zoo with her friends.

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